Private Parts

I have lived surrounded by men all my life.

I have one brother, I married men who only had brothers and gave birth to three sons. What can I say? I have been swimming in the seas of testosterone as long as I can remember. Funny that I have stayed feminine at all !

I have had conversations with all these masculine life mates of mine that I think are probably illegal. Women are not supposed to know some of the things that I know about men, but I am here to share one of these hard won secrets with you.

Here is the secret. When a masculine type person wants to ask you a really profound question about life and or his manhood, he waits until you are both somewhere near the toothpaste aisle in Wal-Mart.

One day, before I knew I should be on my toes for this phenomenon, my 15 year old son asked me, (as I was looking for shampoo in a blissful state of ignorance) “Mom, how do you know when you are old enough to have sex?” After the first shock wave hit me, no not the one of realization that we were having a sex talk, but …My God, is this conversation REALLY going to happen with a bottle of Pantene in my hand ? He was standing there saying to me, “Well?” I told him as smoothly as I could muster, “Give me a minute, will ya ? that is a very BIG question.” stalling for time. But then it hit me like a flash, I felt like Einstein ! I told him, “When you think you are ready to become a father.” No more, no less, that is all I said. Needless to say he was impressed. Whoa, he was thinking, I was just talking about SEX ya know, not like uh. . . fatherhood. But that’s exactly what IS missing in an immature view of the subject. Ah, sometimes I even amaze myself.

I can report to you the secret of these conversations now, because I had the second one to confirm that the first was not just a fluke. This time I was ready.

The question came just as we were turning the corner by the hair dye. He was wondering about the size of his private parts and just how important was that anyway. . . from a woman’s point of view? Without so much as a gasp, I dove right in. This time though, I did get an admonition to stop making gestures with my hands (fish stories come immediately to mind) “Mom, do you want to embarrass me ?”

(Like asking this question in Wal-Mart is perfectly normal ??!!)

So I gave him my opinion on the subject. Didn’t even blink an eye.

He seemed satisfied with my answer, and then we picked out a new kind of toothpaste together.

Ah, the joys of motherhood and womanhood in Testosterone land. Never a dull moment, not even in Wal-Mart. I wouldn’t trade this job for any other on the planet.

(No, I am not going to share with you what I told him about private parts. We would have to go to Wal-Mart. It’s the way these things are done don’t you know!)